Legislature Names Cliff Pirtle the Official Chad of New Mexico
Can't keep tampons out of school men's rooms, but at least we have a state Chad
The clock is ticking for New Mexico’s 2023 Legislature, and with little to show after five weeks, lawmakers are scrambling to pass something they can point to as evidence that they were actually in session this year.
While crime, education, and economic relief for struggling residents proved too complicated for the divided Roundhouse, naming things has proven mostly uncontroversial.
The Legislature named February 8th, 2023 “Equality New Mexico Day.” February 10th was named “African-American Day.” Green chile, already the state state’s official vegetable (despite being a fruit), was named “the official aroma of New Mexico.”
“Actual legislating is pretty hard,” one senator said, “but you know what’s easy? Naming stuff, so why not name a state Chad?”
“Chad” is an Internet term that refers to uber-masculine alpha males—fit, confident, with top-tier meme games. They are often portrayed in contrast to the weak, insecure, humorless, slope-shouldered incels and “male feminist” simps.
Several names were discussed in the newly formed Chad Exploration committee, including Mark Moores, Bill Soules, and Carrie Hamblen. Mark’s name was tossed because he got beaten up by a valley girl in the 2021 CD1 special election. Bill was axed for sponsoring an “assault weapons” ban (very unChad). And Carrie was nixed for being arguably “too Chad,” making real Chads uncomfortable with how utterly Chad she is.
“Cliff is what we call a Triple-Threat Chad,” our source in the Senate said. “He’s named Cliff, for one thing—which is what Chad’s Internet parents would have named him if they hadn’t named him Chad. His beard game is fire. He golfs. And he hates time change.”
The vote was unanimous.
Chad Pirtle will get a placard and a Chick-fil-A gift card.
It may be a coincidence that the only two bills of any use to come out of this legislative session will be connected to Pirtle. Beyond being named Official State Chad, Pirtle is pushing (again) to exempt New Mexicans from having to change their clocks back to Standard Time this fall.
“People love the extra hour of daylight in the evening. There’s plenty of reasons why. Just to name a few: lower crime, extra time with family, more time to golf,” Pirtle told KRQE.
While the Legislature did pass a few bills this session—like increasing taxes on booze and cigarettes, lowering graduation requirements, stocking public school men’s rooms with tampons, legalizing already-legal abortion, and giving government school babysitters another raise—none of these are real victories so much as further signs of the slow fall of a lesser Rome.
Time change, though—everybody’s on board to ditch that, and most people don’t even care which time we stick to so long as we stick to one.
Because Pirtle is only a Chad and not a God, he may lose his Daylight Savings battle. He’s a Republican, after all. And a Democrat has proposed an opposite-but-equally-anti-time-change bill to keep New Mexico on Standard Time, which is worse for golf but allegedly better for circadian rhythm.
But as Chads always say—Chads like Cliff Pirtle—it is better to lose a battle and win the war than to keep having to change these damn clocks.
Haha. Worthy of any major paper in NM
How fun. And as always we can't decide on what time is ought to be so the eternal nonsense of adjusting the clock sticks. Don't like kids in the dark waiting for the bus? Change their starting time by an hour. But no, common sense need not apply.