Congress Considers Cancelling Seatbelt Mandate for Seniors | SATIRE
As birth rates fall and entitlement costs rise, Congress is rethinking America's 'geriatric burden' đ
Originally published at DogFacePonia.com: Itâs Not Fake News, Itâs Fairy Tale News
As nations grapple with plummeting birth rates, rising costs of entitlement spending on their elderly, and the exorbitant toll of lost tax revenue from increasingly popular early bird specials, representatives in the U.S. Congress are thinking outside the box.
Yale economics professor Yusuke Narita recently made news when video went viral of his proposal of a (final) âsolutionâ to the modern geriatric burden known as âOld People Existâ: âmass suicide and mass âseppukuâ of the elderly,â he saidâif not âmandatory euthanasia.â
âWhether thatâs a good thing or not, thatâs a more difficult question to answer,â Narita said. âSo if you think thatâs good, then maybe you can work hard toward creating a society like that.â
Because Americans donât have a heroic suicide ritual like the Japanese, U.S. Congressional leaders are brainstorming their ideas for how to eradicate the elderly. Theyâre starting with seatbelts.
Seatbelts laws are estimated to have saved hundreds of thousands of lives. Approximately 50% of car crash deaths per year are among passengers who werenât wearing restraints.
The math is pretty simple when you study car crash fatality rates by age. Even without the distraction of cell phones, which old folks cannot for the life of them figure out how to operate, drivers over 80 still die at higher rates than every other age demographic, including teenagersâwho are inarguably the worst drivers on the road.
âThis isnât an attempt to kill off grandpa,â one senior aide to a high-ranking U.S. senator said on the condition of anonymity, for fear of having his boss hanged in the street. âThis is a question of freedom.â
âOld people love freedom. Freedom to put powdered milk on their cereal. Freedom to yell about how kids these days ainât got no respect. Freedom to drive 30 on the freeway and 50 in a school zone. The freedom to discard the seatbelt is right up their alley, and if exercising that freedom means they die in a car crash and save taxpayers $30,000 a yearâwell, thatâs the kind of efficiency in government people should come to expect.â
Not everyone is on board.
The saltine cracker lobby, suspenders guilt, and polyester pants union have voiced opposition to the bill, preliminarily titled âDriving with Dignity,â which members of the U.S. Senate Transportation Committee plan to introduce later this year.
Lawmakers may not stop there.
âWe thought we nailed it with the whole food pyramid thing: margarine, skim milk, âgrains.â LOL. We even got âhealth expertsâ to go viral claiming Lucky Charms were healthier than steak,â our anonymous source said. âCOVID in the nursing homes was what Bob Ross might call a âhappy little accidentâânot exactly planned but perfectly executed, no pun intended. And from a financial austerity perspective it was huge, but it still wasnât enough.â
To submit your ideas on how the government can ensure grandma gets run over by a reindeer, comment below and weâll forward the responses to the Transportation Committee.